from
Comic Strips
by various artists and writers

Juliette:
I want to return to teaching....not full-time. But I want to come back.

interviewer:
When you stormed out of here, you said the trustees are slavering satyrs, the chancellor is a money-grubbing hologram, and that the students’ only potential contribution to society is as offal and sausage casing. You reviled the very ground upon which the university rests, suggesting that a well-aimed meteor, and enough salt to sow in its crater, would be just the ticket.

Juliette:
You memorized what I said?

interviewer:
We intone it at the beginning of faculty meetings.

student:
Professor Burber, I was just wondering, do you hold, as many of us do, that students have a right to expect certain grades just for attending a course?

Juliette:
You’re speaking of grade entitlement....and, yes, I’m one of its strongest proponents.

You’re entitled to an F.

TV:
Millions of Americans suffer from hypochondria. Now, help is available in “Symptaid”! Ask your doctor if “Symptaid” is right for you!

Side effects may include headache, muscle cramps, fatigue, anxiety, bloating, itching, dizziness, rash, irritability, joint pain, sleeplessness, dry mouth, vague discomfort...

Arlo:
I see your problem! This book makes bread-making sound like rocket science! Just mix up the dough, let it rise, bake it, learn, try again later!

Janis:
I know from experience, you’re most dangerous when you make the most sense.

Dee Dee:
Ah, the fragile male ego!

Nate:
Ego? I have no ego!

Dee Dee:
Thanks for clearing that up.

Nate:
I mean, my lack of ego is legendary!

Edison:
The way I see it, people can’t be selfless without selfishness. So, I’ve decided to be selfish so others can be selfless.

Joules:
I admire your selflessness.

Edison:
Someone’s gotta do it.

Orville:
A vote for me will mean better wages, better health care, and a better standard of living.

Voter:
You can promise those things for all of us?

Orville:
All of you? I was talking about for me. Do you want all that stuff too?

People expect way too much these days.

Edison:
My physics and political science essays are due tomorrow. I’m combining them into one paper to save time.

“Newton’s Third Law of Governance: For every partisan action in Congress, expect an equal and opposite reaction from the other party.”

Carol:
You’ll turn in separate papers for each!

Edison:
Don’t worry, I’ll print two copies.

Joules:
Necessity is the mother of invention.

Edison:
Necessity? Do you know how many useless inventions are sold on TV each year?

Joules:
Ah, so rampant consumerism is the mother of invention.

Edison:
Now you’re getting it.

television:
So what can be done to prevent the damage from future earthquakes? For one thing, architects can design buildings that are earthquake-proof such as the Frank Gehry-designed building in Las Vegas.

If an earthquake were to strike it... who would know?

television:
Scientists have found that contrary to long-held beliefs... matter can actually be made to disappear with no expenditure of energy... by simply deciding to put it in a safe place for later!

Mr. Wilson:
“I’m not talking to myself ... I’m merely quoting my inner dialogue, to bring my thoughts to full fruition.”

Professor:
Okay, Dusty! We’ll meet at 7p.m., tonight in the lounge to play cards! Can you remember that?

Dusty:
Can I remember that? I was supposed to have dinner with Boone last night at 7p.m., but I plumb forgot!

Sorry, Boone!

Boone:
Not a problem, Dusty! Luckily, I forgot you were coming over! I went to bed at 7 o’clock!

Evelyn (thinks):
Ahhh ... the social calendar at Elderpark...

Professor:
Today’s topic is “Man and Machines.” Some scientists think that one day computers will be able to think and reason like humans. Comments?

Boone:
No way!

Professor:
Why not, Boone?

Boone:
Because artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!

audience:
Hear! Hear!

Professor:
So, how can you tell what you’re pulling up there?

Evelyn:
Simple. If it’s hard to pull, it’s a weed...

Professor:
Okay.

Evelyn:
If it comes out easily, it’s your favorite perennial.

Teacher:
Who can tell me what a subordinate clause is?

Billy:
One of Santa’s helpers!

Ellie:
Michael, there are some words that you just cannot say! I know you hear grownups using bad words sometimes, but that’s no reason for you to do the same!!

Michael:
That’s not fair. To me, they’re just words ... Grownups know what they mean!

Elizabeth:
Grandma – you never measure anything!

Grandma:
I measure things, Elizabeth! I use pinches of salt, dashes of pepper, knobs of butter, sprinklings of cayenne, splashes of milk, gollups of syrup, drops of coloring, dollops of oil, sifts of flour, mounds of oatmeal, handfuls of rice ...

Elizabeth:
But those aren’t real measurements!

Grandma:
Of course they are! ... Have you not heard of “Grams”?

Garfield:
Dieting? May I recommend the donut diet?

The center has zero calories!

TV:
At Time Travel Pizza... we deliver your pizza the moment you get hungry!

No need to call us. You already did!

Garfield:
I don’t understand how it works, but I love these guys!

Jon:
Online friends are better than real-life friends. They can’t give you a wedgie.

Garfield:
Just a computer virus.

Garfield:
Mondays...

There’s one in every single week, 52 times a year

Seems a bit excessive to me

Bucky:
OK, so this is soccer. When does the actual game start?

Rob:
It has started. It’s almost over, in fact.

Bucky:
But nothing’s happened yet... I don’t think you can call nothing a game.

Rob:
That’s soccer, Bucky.

Bucky:
How do you know this isn’t some kind of low-emission, shoe-based, pregame grounds-keeping?

Talk radio:
Listen to this one, folks: A grade school student is accused of shouting down his teacher in class!! Not that it matters, but you could probably imagine what ethnicity this kid is...

If we allow this savagery to continue, it will spell the end of America!!

Next up: A list of gun shops closest to where the President is speaking tonite!!

Knight:
Excuse me!! Can you explain why supermarket produce is so tasteless?

grocer:
Sure!! For commercial farmers, the two most important qualities of their produce are looks & durability for shipping!! Flavor is not a priority!! Hence, it looks good but it’s tasteless!!

Knight:
Hollywood hath hit the supermarket!!

tomatoes:
Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful!!

Mallard:
Oh, look!... the 456th E-mail I’ve gotten calling the “red states” “Jesus Land”....and/or stereotyping “red state” Americans as cavemen with low IQs.... For a bunch of people who say they “celebrate diversity and tolerance”...these liberals do a darn good bigot impression...