Terry Pratchett | This page: | Category: | index pages:
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Carpe Jugulum
Copyright © 1998 by Terry and Lyn Pratchett | |
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It would have been more impressive if theyd all agreed on one before, but as it was it sounded as though every single small warrior had a battle cry of his very own and would fight anyone who tried to take it away from him. Nac mac Feegle! Ach, stickit yer trakkans! Gie you sich a kickin! Bigjobs! Dere cn onlie be whin tousand! Nac mac Feegle wha hae! Wha hae yersel, ya boggin! | Topic: |
It wasnt that they didnt take an interest in the world around them. On the contrary, they had a deep, personal and passionate involvement in it, but instead of asking why are we here? they asked is it going to rain before the harvest? A philosopher might have deplored this lack of mental ambition, but only if he was really certain about where his next meal was coming from. | Topic: |
The pointy hat carried a lot of weight in the Ramtops. People talked to the hat, not to the person wearing it. When people were in serious trouble they went to a witch.* * Sometimes, of course, to say, please stop doing it. | |
They thought you could see life through books but you couldnt, the reason being that the words got in the way. | |
The people of Lancre wouldnt dream of living in anything other than a monarchy. Theyd done so for thousands of years and knew that it worked. But theyd also found that it didnt do to pay too much attention to what the King wanted, because there was bound to be another king along in forty years or so and hed be certain to want something different and so theyd have gone to all that trouble for nothing. | Topic: |
I mean, its one thing saying youve got the best god, but sayin its the only real one is a bit of a cheek, in my opinion. I know where I can find at least two any day of the week. | |
The peopled sent for her and shed looked at him and seen the guilt writhing in his head like a red worm, and then shed taken them to his farm and showed them where to dig, and hed thrown himself down and asked her for mercy, because he said hed been drunk and itd all been done in alcohol. Her words came back to her. Shed said, in sobriety: end it in hemp. And theyd dragged him off and hanged him in a hempen rope and shed gone to watch because she owed him that much, and hed cursed, which was unfair because hanging is a clean death, or at least cleaner than the one hed have got if the villagers had dared defy her [...] The villagers had said justice had been done, and shed lost patience and told them to go home, then, and pray to whatever gods they believed in that it was never done to them. The smug mask of virtue triumphant could be almost as horrible as the face of wickedness revealed. | Topic: |
Nanny could find an innuendo in Good morning. She could certainly find one in innuendo. | Topic: |
I thought we did not drink . . . wine. I believe its time we started. Yuk, said Lacrimosa. Im not touching that, its squeezed from vegetables! Note (Hals): end note | Topic: |
I had, er, hoped to see Mrs. Weatherwax. For a moment the only sound was the chattering of the ravens. Hoped? said Agnes. Mrs. Weatherwax? said Nanny. Er, yes. It is part of my . . . Im supposed to . . . one of the things we . . . Well, I heard she might be ill, and visiting the elderly and infirm is part, er, of our pastoral duties . . . Of course, I realize that technically I have no pastoral duties, but still, while Im Nannys face was a picture, possibly one painted by an artist with a very strange sense of humor. Im really sorry she aint here, she said, and Agnes knew she was being altogether honest and absolutely nasty. Oh dear. I was, er, going to give her some . . . I was going . . . er . . . Is she well, then? Im sure shed be all the better for a visit from you, said Nanny, and once again there was a strange, curvy sort of truth to this. Itd be the sort of thing shed talk about for days. | Topic: |
He wasnt about to disagree with his betters. Hodgesaargh was a one-man feudal system. On the other hand, he thought, as he packed up and prepared to move on, books that were all about the world tended to be written by people who knew all about books rather than all about the world. | Topic: |
She was not, herself, hugely in favor of motherhood in general. Obviously it was necessary, but it wasnt exactly difficult. Even cats managed it. But women acted as if theyd been given a medal that entitled them to boss people around. It was as if, just because theyd got the label which said mother, everyone else got a tiny part of the label that said | |
You dont organize a mob, Nanny, said Agnes. A mob is something that happens spontaneously. Nanny Oggs eyes gleamed. Theres seventy-nine Oggs in these parts, she said. Spontaneous it is, then. | |
After four years of theological college he wasnt at all certain of what he believed, and this was partly because the Church had schismed so often that occasionally the entire curriculum would alter in the space of one afternoon. But also They had been warned about it. Dont expect it, theyd said. It doesnt happen to anyone except the prophets. Om doesnt work like that. Om works from inside. but hed hoped that, just once, that Om would make himself known in some obvious and unequivocal way that couldnt be mistaken for wind or a guilty conscience. Just once, hed like the clouds to part for the space of ten seconds and a voice to cry out, YES, MIGHTILY-PRAISEWORTHY-ARE-YE-WHO-EXALTETH-OM OATS! ITS ALL COMPLETELY TRUE! INCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS A VERY THOUGHTFUL PAPER YOU WROTE ON THE CRISIS OF RELIGION IN A PLURALISTIC SOCIETY! It wasnt that hed lacked faith. But faith wasnt enough. Hed wanted knowledge. | Topic: |
Even when he was small thered been a part of him that thought the temple was a silly boring place, and tried to make him laugh when he was supposed to be listening to sermons. It had grown up with him. It was the Oats that read avidly and always remembered those passages which cast doubt on the literal truth of the Book of Omand nudged him and said, if this isnt true, what can you believe? And the other half of him would say: there must be other kinds of truth. And hed reply: other kinds than the kind that is actually true, you mean? And hed say: define actually! And hed shout: well, actually Omnians would have tortured you to death, not long ago, for even thinking like this. Remember that? Remember how many died for using the brain which, you seem to think, their god gave them? What kind of truth excuses all that pain? Hed never quite worked out how to put the answer into words. And then the headaches would start, and the sleepless nights. The Church schismed all the time these days, and this was surely the ultimate one, starting a war inside ones head. | Topic: |
Youre always arguing? The Prophet Brutha said Let there be ten thousand voices, said the priest. Sometimes I think he meant that it was better to argue amongst ourselves than go out putting unbelievers to fire and the sword. Its all very complicated. He sighed. There are a hundred pathways to Om. Unfortunately, I sometimes think someone left a rake lying across a lot of them. | Topic: |
One or two of the old barrows had been exposed over the years, their huge stones attracting their own folklore. If you left your unshod horse at one of them overnight, and placed a sixpence on the stone, in the morning the sixpence would be gone and youd never see your horse again, | Topic: |
You wouldnt let a poor old lady go off to confront monsters on a wild night like this, would you? They watched him owlishly for a while just in case something interestingly nasty was going to happen to him. Then someone near the back said, So why should we care what happens to monsters? And Shawn Ogg said, Thats Granny Weatherwax, that is. But shes an old lady! Oats insisted. The crowd took a few steps back. Oats was clearly a dangerous man to be around. Would you go out alone on a night like this? he said. The voice at the back said, Depends if I knew where Granny Weatherwax was. | |
There is a very interesting debate raging at the moment about the nature of sin, for example. And what do they think? Against it, are they? Its not as simple as that. Its not a black and white issue. There are so many shades of gray. Nope. Pardon? Theres no grays, only white thats got grubby. Im surprised you dont know that. And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things. Including yourself. Thats what sin is. Its a lot more complicated than that No. It aint. When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they are getting worried that they wont like the truth. People as things, thats where it starts. Oh, Im sure there are worse crimes But they starts with thinking about people as | Compare to: Topic: |
Oats sighed. Many people find faith a great solace, he said. He wished he was one of them. Good. Really? Somehow I thought youd argue. Its not my place to tell em what to believe, if they act decent. But its not something that you feel drawn to, perhaps, in the darker hours? No. Ive already got a hot water bottle. | |
People were good at imagining hells, and some they occupied while they were alive. | Topic: |
But I bet that now theyre arguing about what they actually saw, eh? Well, indeed, yes, there are many opinions Right. Right. Thats people for you. Now if Id seen him, really there, really alive, itd be in me like a fever. If I thought there was some god who really did care two hoots about people, who watched em like a father and cared for em like a mother . . . well, you wouldnt catch me sayin things like there are two sides to every question and we must respect other peoples beliefs. You wouldnt find me just being genrally nice in the hope that itd all turn out right in the end, not if that flame was burning in me like an unforgivin sword. And I did say burnin, Mister Oats, cos thats what itd be. You say that you people dont burn folk and sacrifice people anymore, but thats what true faith would mean, ysee? Sacrificin your own life, one day at a time, to the flame, declarin the truth of it, workin for it, breathin the soul of it. Thats religion. Anything else is just . . . is just bein nice. And a way of keepin in touch with the neighbors. She relaxed slightly, and went on in a quieter voice: Anyway, thats what Id be, if I really believed. And I dont think thats fashionable right now, cos it seems that if you sees evil now you have to wring your hands and say, oh deary me, we must debate this. Thats my two pennorth, Mister Oats. You be happy to let things lie. Dont chase faith, cos youll never catch it. She added, almost as an aside, But, perhaps, you can live faithfully. | Compare to:
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Some cold nights you see them dancin in the sky over the Hub, burnin green and Oh, you mean the aurora coriolis, said Oats, trying to make his voice sound matter-of-fact. But actually thats caused by magic particles hitting the Dunno what its caused by, said Granny sharply, but what it is, is the phoenix dancin. | |
Rememberthat which does not kill us can only make us stronger. And that which does kill us leaves us dead! snarled Lacrimosa. | |
We are vampires. We cannot help what we are. Only animals cant help what they are, said Granny. | |
text checked (see note) Jun 2005 |