The Days Are Just Packed
Copyright © 1993 by Bill Watterson
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Calvin: When a kid grows up, he has to be something. He cant just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. Why is that?
Hobbes: No room for improvement.
Calvin: Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans.
Hobbes: Dont take it so hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
| Topic: Humanity
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Calvin: Ive concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault.
Dad: Oh?
Calvin: Right! Being young and impressionable, Im the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! Im an innocent pawn! Its societys fault!
Dad: Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk.
Calvin: These discussions never go where theyre supposed to.
| Topics: Values
Character
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Calvin: Do you believe in the Devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: Im not sure man needs the help.
| Topic: The Devil
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Calvin: If Ive learned one thing in life, its that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough, and theres no such thing as scruples! People will do anything if the price is right!
Hobbes: Whats your price?
Calvin: Two bucks cold cash up front.
Hobbes: I don't know which is worse, ... that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
Calvin: Id make mine higher, but its hard to find buyers as it is.
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Susie: The way Calvins brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
| Topic: Insults
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Calvin: When I grow up, Im not going to read the newspaper and Im not going to follow complex issues and Im not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesnt represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesnt work and justify my further lack of participation.
Hobbes: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan.
Calvin: Its a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
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Calvin: See, the problem with fine art is that its supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Lifes hard enough without it! Only an idiot would pay for it!
But popular art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to em!
Hobbes: And how are the movie sequels this summer?
Calvin: Great! Man, theres nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot.
| Topic: Art
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Calvin: Hey, Dad, know what I figured out? The meaning of words isnt a fixed thing! Any word can mean anything! By giving words new meanings, ordinary English can become an exclusionary code! Two generations can be divided by the same language!
To that end, Ill be inventing new definitions for common words, so well be unable to communicate. Dont you think thats totally spam? Its lubricated! Well, Im phasing.
Dad: Marvy. Fab. Far out.
| Topic: Translation
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Calvin: I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers dont need to know anything.
Hobbes: Hey! Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. Theres velocity, gravity and laws of motion, not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then theres the artistic expression of it all, and a lot more!
Calvin: Gosh, I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts.
Hobbes: My dissertation on ethics was very well received.
| Topic: Scholarship
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text checked (see note) Mar 2005; Jul 2020
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Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
Copyright © 1994 by Bill Watterson
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Calvin: Today for Show and Tell, Ive brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it in the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, Ill be leaving you drips and going outside.
| Topic: Education
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Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes reads: The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes.
Calvin: Academia, here I come!
| Topics: Writing
Sesquipedality
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Calvin: I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lot more important. Out here Im learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life.
Hobbes: Such as?
Calvin: Procrastinating and rationalizing.
| Topic: Rationalizing
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Calvin: Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners?
Hobbes: No, I think theyre just quick studies.
Calvin: Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted.
| Topic: Sin
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Calvin: The TV listings say this movie has adult situations. What are adult situations?
Hobbes: Probably things like going to work, paying bills and taxes, taking responsibilities...
Calvin: Wow, they dont kid around when they say for mature audiences.
Hobbes: Ive never understood how those movies make any money.
| Topic: Maturity
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Calvin: Do you believe in evolution?
Hobbes: No.
Calvin: You dont think humans evolved from monkeys?
Hobbes: I sure dont see any difference.
| Topic: Evolution
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Calvin: OK, give me the nickel and Ill eat the worms.
Susie: No, you eat the worms and then Ill give you the nickel.
Calvin: How about two cents up front and the rest upon completing the job?
Susie: Sorry! You dont get paid until you do the work.
Calvin: Man. Youd think the guy eating the worms would be calling the shots!
Susie: Usually, if youre calling any shots at all, youre not eating worms.
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Calvin: Ive been disempowered! My centering, self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic, co-dependent dysfunctionality!
Mom: Youve been temporarily inconvenienced. Take out the trash.
Calvin: Are you saying theres a difference?!
| Topic: Propaganda
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Calvin: You saw Miss Wormwood?? She shops at the supermarket??
Mom: Well, certainly. What did you think?
Calvin: I dunno... I kinda figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.
| Topic: Teachers
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Calvin: We dont understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. Thats why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
Hobbes: So what are you writing?
Calvin: A revisionist autobiography.
| Topic: History
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Calvin: A painting. Moving. Spiritually enriching. Sublime. ....High art!
The comic strip. Vapid. Juvenile. Commercial hack work. ....Low art.
A painting of a comic strip panel. Sophisticated irony. Philosophically challenging. ....High art.
Hobbes: Suppose I draw a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip?
Calvin: Sophomoric. Intellectually sterile. ...Low art.
| Topic: Critics
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text checked (see note) Mar 2005
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Its a Magical World
Copyright © 1996 by Bill Watterson
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Calvin: Why are you crying?
Mom: Im cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
| Topics: Food
Anthropomorphism
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Calvin: What does it mean when someone says to give it the ol college try?
Dad: It means you join your friends, get some cheap beer, order a pizza, and forget about tomorrow.
Mom: Thats not what it means!
Dad: Where did you go to college?
Calvin: Never mind.
| Topic: Universities
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Calvin: Art isnt about ideas. Its about style. The most crucial career decision is picking a good ism so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding the work.
Hobbes: You do goofy drawings on the sidewalk.
Calvin: Right. Im a suburban post-modernist.
Hobbes: Arent we all.
Calvin: I was going to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldnt let me.
| Topics: Artists
Style
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Calvin: How can something seem so plausible at the time and so idiotic in retrospect?
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Calvin: When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, thats the best time to jump in and change the subject! Its like an interception in football! You grab the other guys idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guys thoughts and express your own! Thats how you win!
Hobbes: Conversations arent contests!
Calvin: OK, a point for you, but Im still ahead.
| Topics: Rhetoric Conversation
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Calvin: We rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. We dont believe in things we cant see. So how do we know that no-see-ums exist? Verification is ruled out by definition!
Its an ontological quandary.
Hobbes: Hold still a moment.
Calvin: Ooh, I itch!
Hobbes: Glad I could help.
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Calvin: Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads.
Hobbes: I wonder which you are.
Calvin: I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
| Topic: Principles
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Susie: When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.
Calvin: I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!
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text checked (see note) Mar 2005
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