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Portions of the following share writing credit with Alan Bennett, Jonathan Miller, Dudley Moore, or Bernard McKenna.
Introduction to Tragically I Was an Only Twin by William Cook Copyright © 2002 by William Cook | ||
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The people who knew him are thankful for the friendship he gave them. People like me who never knew him should be thankful for the fun he gave us, even though its main charm is that it reads like something he did merely to amuse himself. [...] But thats what always happens when someone like Peter Cook does something really remarkable. The rest of us cant bear the idea that it might just be a one-off. We want them to do it again and again. Perhaps we dont want our heroes to retire, because that reminds us that their lives are finite? | Topic: | |
In 1967, at the peak of his powers, Cook told Bawtree he was seeing a psychiatrist. Bawtree asked him why. I have been talking in other peoples voices for so long that, when I dont, I have a terrible sense of emptiness, replied Cook. I dont know who I am. Source: Something Like FirePeter Cook Remembered (1996) | ||
This books title is Cooks own, one of many unrealized projects that include The Burberry Apes, The False Passport Office and Dr Jekyll & Mrs Hyde [...] Pulsars are small and immensely heavy, runs one of his unused one-liners, and remind me strangely of my first wife. | ||
text checked (see note) Oct 2006 |
Tragically I Was an Only Twin
The Complete Peter Cook Copyright © 2002 by Lin Cook | |||
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Chapter One Before the Fringe |
Balance of Trade (Pieces of Eight, Apollo Theatre, London, 1959) |
Kenneth: B: Kenneth: A & B: Kenneth: A: Kenneth: | |
Interesting Facts (Pop Goes Mrs Jessop, Cambridge Arts Theatre, 1960) |
Peter Cook: | ||
Wha Hae (Pop Goes Mrs Jessop) |
We won at Bannockburren
| Topic: | |
Oh Yes (Pop Goes Mrs Jessop) |
Now this evening I want to talk to you about a very sinful thing, a thing which I want to warn you all against most strongly. Brother Martin has got a lot of them hidden away in that sack there. Theyre a very dangerous weapon, what we in the West call guns. Theyre very dangerous and lethal, much more dangerous than your primitive old bows and arrows. You can shoot people down from hundreds of yards and nobody will ever know whos done it, and I want to warn you most strongly never to use them against one another. After this talk, youll be able to come up to Brother Martin here and exchange your worthless old gold and jewellery and get a chance to exercise the virtue of restraint. | Topic: | |
Chapter Two Beyond the Fringe Copyright © Alan Bennett, Lin Cook, Jonathan Miller, Martine Avenue Productions Inc. 1963, 1987, 1993, 2002 |
Sitting on the Bench (Fortune Theatre, London, 1961) |
Yes, I could have been a judge but I never had the Latin, never had the Latin for the judging. I just never had sufficient of it to get through the rigorous judging exams. Theyre noted for their rigour. People came staggering out saying My God, what a rigorous examand so I became a miner instead. A coal miner. I managed to get through the mining examstheyre not very rigorous. They only ask one question. They say Who are you?, and I got 75% for that. | |
And what is more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with the judges. So all in all Id rather have been a judge than a miner. | |||
The Great Train Robbery (John Golden Theatre, New York, 1964) |
Bennett: Cook: Bennett: Cook: Bennett: Cook: Bennett: Cook: | Topic: | |
Chapter Three EL Wisty |
A Bee Life (On the Braden Beat, ITV, 1964) |
As soon as the bee uses its sting, it dies. Its an absolutely useless sting. I suppose God means them to use it on the deterrent principlesomething which they must never use, but that will deter the enemy. [...] I dont know why we werent made like that. We could have been given special guns, which we could deter people with, but as soon as they used them theyd fire in both directions, backwards and forwards, so youd shoot yourself at the same time. That would put an end to all this violence in the streets. | |
Chapter Five Pete & Dud Copyright © Lin Cook, Martine Avenue Productions Inc. 1971, 1977, 2002 |
On the Bus (Not Only But Also, BBC2, 1965) |
Pete: Dud: Pete: | |
Religion (Not Only But Also, BBC2, 1965) |
Dud: Pete: | Topic: | |
At the Zoo (Not Only But Also, BBC2, 1966) |
Dud: Pete: Dud: Pete: | Topic: | |
Sex (Not Only But Also, BBC2, 1966) |
Pete: Dud: | Topic: | |
Chapter Six Private Eye Copyright © Lin Cook 1964, 1965, 2002 |
The Seductive Brethren (1964-65) |
Quarble: Gentlemen of the Jury, you have heard both sides of this unsavoury and appalling story. It is not for me to stress the loathsome, repulsive and disgusting nature of the creature who cowers before you in the dock; it is solely my province to direct you on matters of law. If you take the view that the defendant, despite the flagrant holes in the fabric of his evidence, is in some way innocent of these heinous crimes, then it is your duty to bring in a verdict of Guilty, that is to say, Not Guilty. But, contra, should you feel, as I do, that the accused has been overwhelmingly proven to be a shameless and perverted person fit only to be locked up with others of his ilk pending Her Majestys pleasure, then it is your solemn duty to pronounce him Guilty. Pray consider your verdict and for Gods sake be quick about it. The jury then retired; as indeed Justice Quarble should have done in 1903. | |
Chapter Seven Behind the Fridge Copyright © Lin Cook and Martine Avenue Productions Inc. 1977, 2002 |
Frog & Peach (Plymouth Theatre, New York, 1973) |
Dudley: Peter: | Topic: |
Chapter Eight Derek and Clive Copyright © Lin Cook and Martine Avenue Productions Inc. 1976, 2002 |
Alias Derek and Clive (Sheffield & North Derbyshire Spectator, 1976) |
On the whole the music papers have been very favourable to the album, with its resolute single entendres. The only bad reaction we had is from the impermeable Upper Class [...], who came out with lines such as How could two such witty satirists such as you RESORT to material such as this? We have a simple reply. Its not resorting, its just a part of us that has always been there and whats the harm in putting it out? | Topic: |
Chapter Nine Monday Morning Feeling |
Separate Tax Tables | I have no wish to place an extra burden on the tax collectors. These dedicated men and women are grossly overworked and underpaid. I fear that their only effective recourse is immediate STRIKE ACTION. It might be a long struggle lasting months, maybe years. But their cause is just and they would have the nation united behind them. | Topic: |
Divinely Drunk |
One explanation of the Universe that has been little probed by theologians is that God is a benign drunk and that the world is His Hangover. If we were to regard the Creation as the result of a cosmic binge everything would fall neatly into place. I believe He meant very well and still does. When He wakes up and surveys the mess He resolves to straighten it out at once. The trouble is that He always has a little nip to steady Himself and so the chaos continues. | Topic: | |
Shrinks Expand |
A group of 100 psychologists have been meeting in Cardiff to discuss the difference between men and women. It is called The International Conference on Sex Role Stereotyping. I trust they had no difficulty sorting out which of them were men and which of them were women. | Topic: | |
If Youre a Bit of a Celt, Dont Pick on a Pict | At the moment Im the self-appointed leader of the Independence for Picts Movement. All we ask is that our stolen lands be returned. | ||
Hire and Higher |
Mr Richards has refused to register for work on the grounds of conscience. After the hearing Mr Richards said that he would rather go to prison than accept paid employment. The only paid job he would consider was lecturing on his belief and philosophy. He should be hired at once. Millions, like me, share his view, but are unable to put it over as coherent philosophy. | Topics: | |
Chapter Ten Not Also But Only |
Builders of Xanadu Written with Bernard McKennna Copyright © Lin Cook and Bernard McKenna 2002 |
John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: | Xanadu |
John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: Peter Cook: John Bird: | Topic: | ||
Peter Cook: John Bird: Peter Cook: | |||
Chapter Eleven Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling Copyright © Lin Cook and Martine Avenue Productions Inc. 1977, 2002 |
A Partridge in a Pear Tree (BBC2, 1990/91) |
Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: Ludovic Kennedy: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: Ludovic Kennedy: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | Topics: |
Three French Hens (BBC2, 1990/91) |
Ludovic Kennedy: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | Topic: | |
Four Calling Birds (BBC2, 1990/91) |
Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | ||
Seven Swans A-Swimming (BBC2, 1990/91) |
Ludovic Kennedy: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | Topic: | |
Eight Maids A-Milking (BBC2, 1990/91) |
Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: Ludovic Kennedy: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | ||
Why Bother? (BBC Radio Three, 1994) Part One |
Christ Morris: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | ||
Why Bother? (BBC Radio Three, 1994) Part Five |
Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling: | Topic: | |
Chapter Twelve Sports Reporter Copyright © Lin Cook 1994, 2002 |
Swallow a SultanaIts Time to Play Our World Cup Game (Evening Standard, 16 June, 1994) |
It is often said that we invented the game and gave it to the world; not strictly true. Remember we were once the worlds greatest trading power and, prudently, patents were taken out to protect our product. From time to time, as the rules have been amended, new patents have been issued. Strictly speaking, under International Law, we are entitled to 1p every time a ball is kicked anywhere in the world (with the exception of Bermuda, with whom we have a special arrangement). A further 2p is due whenever a player is kicked. | Topic: |
Chapter Fourteen Goodbye-ee Copyright © Lin Cook 1980, 2002 |
Lines on the Occasion of the Queen Mothers Eightieth Birthday (TV Times, 1980) |
Oh my goodness! Gosh and golly! | Topic: |
text checked (see note) Oct 2006 |