from
Pogo
books by
Walt Kelly

These continue to be wondrous times when every man tries to find a formula for keeping the stranger’s fingers from his throat. The simple expedient of holding hands will someday occur to a couple of people who will forever after be forgotten. We need to read and to think and to study the faces of our friends . . . a peaceful pursuit. But, in the light of our trial bombs bursting in air and the flash of the practice red rockets’ glittering glare, the study of peace is a blinky business.

Pogo:
Did you ever dream a dream what had a joke in it, Porky?

Porky Pine:
That’s where I get some of my best ones.

Pogo:
I guess you could dream a good one if you put your mind to it.

Porky:
It depends on who gits into yo’ dreams. Some folks got no sense of humor!

Pogo:
I read a book once what said you kin do anything you wants if you puts yo’ mind to it.

Porky:
I din’t read the book, but I is dreamed the dream ... I allus likes the part about the cowboys.

Churchy la Femme:
Not workin’? That’s show business?

Porky:
Sure.. That’s bein’ at liberty .. Not workin’ don’t mean you is out of show business.. It jes’ mean you ain’t eatin’.

Churchy:
Not eatin’!? Jes’ ’cause you ain’t workin’ you don’t eat? Some business!

I’d rather loaf fer a livin’.

Howland Owl:
[...] If turtles got a strong union you mought git hunnerds an’ hunnerds.

Churchy:
What? Then the job is out.. I can’t afford to take it.

Owl:
Can’t afford it! You ain’t makin’ nothin’ doin’ what you’s doin’ now!

Churchy:
I know! An’ if I loses this job.. what’s I lose? Nothin’! But if I ever lost a job makin’ hunnerds an’ hunnerds of dollars a week if would break me. I couldn’t afford it!

Owl:
I don’t like to be a wet blanket but yo’ singin’ commercials is on a reef.

Churchy:
If you don’t like bein’ like you say why is you always what you said?

Owl:
But friend of my youth, companion of my cradle, yo’ commercials don’t make sense!

Churchy:
That is a reequirement not hitherto enforced on land, at sea or on the air!

Beauregard Bugleboy:
Why, oh, why do those of us who earnestly bend our frail but courageous efforts to benefit everyone in every walk of life caring not for our selfs alone but inwardly bleeding... and suffering in an unstinting and self effacing nobility of generosity set with the diamonds and pearls of love, love for our fellows and knowledge of our own unbecoming ... um . uh .. Where was I?

Albert:
Where was you when?

Mouse:
You taxied down the runway and dumped your gas so’s you could take off!

Churchy:
Mebbe the mouse had a good idea there ... edible money!

Pogo:
But ever’body don’t care for cheese.. Money printed on it would go good with mice but how ’bout other humans?

Churchy:
Oh you could put out a menu... Give folks a choice... Money printed on toast, money on sliced eggplant.

Pogo:
An’ on omelet.

Churchy:
Oh, yes, we could make money real popular.

Pogo:
Imagine! Money printed on licorice - Yum!

Churchy:
We could revolutionize the financial world! Cash would have a twofold purpose ... Just think! Folks with money would never have to starve!

Pogo:
Gosh!

Owl:
Let’s start at the beginnin’ again an’ let’s keep our fierce an’ indomidouble tempers under con-trol.

Churchy:
Alright.. Let’s be gentlemens an’ considerant of each others frailities an’ foibobbles.

Owl:
Hee hee.. How you do go on... I allus was considerant of yo’ faults an’ unspeakable habits.

Churchy:
An’ I is ever been forbearin’ ’bout yo’ snoopy ways an’ turpitoods.

Owl:
Long as we’s bein’ such gent’mens we kin insult each other freely without fear of hurtin’ the other’s feelin’s.

Churchy:
Yes an’ you is a ball-eyed bull bat.

Pogo, observing the ensuing fight:
My sakes... They been quiet so long I was afeared they was sick.

Albert:
The shameful way we been treated is so shameful it’s enough to make a man commit suicide.

Beauregard:
Right! but which man?

Albert:
In fact, friend, it’d serve these nump-hods around here right if one of us did commit suicide! Then they’d change their tune.

Beauregard:
To what?

Albert:
To a funeral march, I guess.. Only thing is I’d miss you so when I does it.

Beauregard:
I’l miss you, too.. Jes’ make sure you writes from where-so-ever you goes.. pervidin’ it’s cool enough.

Albert:
I ain’t goin’ anywheres! You din’t think I was gone start right out committin’ suicide on my own lovin’ self?

Beauregard:
Well, you ain’t gone warm up on me, son.

Porky:
The best break anybody ever gets is in bein’ alive in the first place.

Albert and Beauregard:
Gulp

Porky:
An’ you don’t unnerstan’ what a perfect deal it is until you realizes that you ain’t gone be stuck with it forever, either.

Porky:
Mebbe you knows that funny story ’bout the fella what was a boxer ’cause he had a job boxin’ mushmelons.

Churchy:
Um

Porky:
I cer’ly would ad-mire to hear it ’cause it allus cheers me up... It’s my favorite joke.. Go ahead an’ tell it if you knows it.

Churchy:
Well I knows the story ’bout the fella what tole everybody he was a boxer ’cause he had a job boxin’ blueberries... Care to hear that one?

Porky:
..Oh.. mmm - No. It wouldn’t be the same. I only enjoys the other one...

Owl:
Look me in the eye an’ tell me again you thinks drive-in funeral parlors would be a good idea.

Mouse:
Why should I? If you don’t know a good business when you hears it?

Owl:
Next you’ll be tellin’ me they could be self-service operations.

Mouse:
Why not? Friend, you got vision.. Take my plan for sick services incorporated. S’pose you’re sick... You don’t wanna go to a doc... That’s where I come in... I go for you... I tell him what you feel like... He examines me... Gives me the medicine.. no horrid after taste for you... Quick, convenient... Nothing for you to do, sir.

Owl:
Except jump in the car and look for that drive-in funeral parlor.

Mouse:
What’s the matter with drive-in funeral parlors with self-service?

Owl:
How can you embalm your own self if you’re dead?

Mouse:
Mmm - Yes... That would take a li’l’ doin’.. Well, that rules out embalmin’. How about cre-matin’?

Owl:
Any fool knows you gotta be alive to cremate yourself.

Mouse:
Another thing... Would anybody dead pay his bill? Wouldn’t he jes’ leave?

Owl:
The point is.. would you want him to come back with the cash?

Porky:
Don’t you figger you kin git a-rrested for printin’ yo’ own money?

Churchy:
’Course not.. Nobody ever bothers the gummint fer doin’ it.

Porky:
But the gummint got the concession.. Ever’body takes off’n it.. It been printin’ money for years.

Churchy:
On paper! My money gonna be tasty! It’ll be all the rage... Jes’ imagine, you gives a fella a dollar printed on a pancake.. He gives you back a half a mushmelon in change.

Porky:
For small change you could print pennies on caviar.

Churchy:
Nope! Nope! Nothin’ illegal about this... No foreign currencies.

Beauregard:
People got a dog they thinks twice ’bout goin’ out an’ rampin’ around... If they got a chile they hires a baby sitter.. But a dog needs a friendly hand to feed an’ pat him.... A dog with a good pedigree on him cost too much to trust with strangers.

Albert:
So dogs keeps the fambly at home you thinks?

Beauregard:
Yep.. if a dog plays his cards right he kin be ’bout as much trial an’ grief as a set an’ a half of triplets.

Albert:
If that grandfather gave you a guarantee on the clock for 99 year how come he didn’t make it a even hundred?

Bun Rabbit:
Well.. they’d gave the clock a trial run an’ 99 was all she’d do.. So Gran’pa says, “If she don’t run 99 years for you come back an’..”

Albert:
Dang blang it! If you gonna tell such stories whyn’t you go whole hog and say a hundred years whiles you’s at it?

Bun Rabbit:
As ol’ Uncle Will would say, you wouldn’t want me to lie for jes’ one measly dog-boned year, would you?

Bug:
Teacher asks me another poser fer homework this week... She say what’s the differmints atween a liberal an’ a conservative...

Porky:
Wull... I kin help you again like I did afore... Let’s say the conservative is the quiet green grin of the crocodile... an’ the liberal is the snap!

Pogo:
[..] You know ol’ Grundoon’s talk don’t make sense.

Rackety Coon Chile:
Wull.. what of it..? He’s no differ’nt anybody else.. He’s jes’ innerested in talkin’... Makin’ sense is a entirely differn’t talent.

Owl:
I swear that turtle gits brainlesser and brainlesser every day.

Pogo:
Don’t swear ’nfront the childer.

Rackety Coon Chile:
Right

Grundoon:
Grs

Owl:
I wasn’t swearin’.. What’s you doin’?

Pogo:
You was too.. you said so.

Owl:
I was not.. I takes my oath that I –

Pogo:
You ain’t gone use no oath in front of these innocement ears.. Teachin’ bad words!

Rackety Coon Chile:
How ’bout my ears? I is delicate.

Owl:
How could I teach Grundoon bad words?.. He don’t know any good ones.. He can’t talk.

Pogo:
He talks to fishes... You want them cursin’ an’ carryin’ on?

Churchy:
Good news! The paper say they is gonna drop the bomb!

Owl:
What?

Pogo:
On Armistice Day?

Churchy:
I means they’s gonna use atoms for peace an’ stuff like that ’stead of so much bombs an’ all.

Owl:
You din’t say that.. You gived us cold cobbles. You said they’s gone drop the bomb.

Churchy:
They is? On who?

Owl:
On nobody ’cordin’ to you.

Churchy:
I never said nothin’

Owl:
You did too! You said...

Pogo:
Two minutes of silence is arrived jes’ in time.

Pogo:
He say our winnin’ candidates don’t git enough of the vote... says he knows a way to git 95% of it.

Albert:
Wull... what’s wrong with that?

Pogo:
The way he do it... you jes’ put up one candidate... Consequently, most ever’body’s for him... They’s nobody to be against.

Albert:
Oh, that’d never work here... I usual votes 95% against somebody.

Albert:
Did I hear you right? You ain’t old enough to vote?

Pogo:
Yup.

Albert:
What a blow! That means you ain’t old enough to be President, neither.

Pogo:
Right.

Albert:
Well! Well! It looks like I’ll gotta offer my fair young body in your stead... I will run for President.

Pogo:
You!? You ain’t any older’n me!

Albert:
But I’m willing to lie for my country!

Pig:
We do things much better in our country.. Just one candidate... It simplifies the election... Nobody is in doubt as to who to vote for.

Cockatoo:
You said it!

Cowbird:
Why not just appoint the man... and do away with the election?

Pig
What? and crudely abandon the sacred principles of true democracy?!

Albert:
Now s’pose you was my true love an’ you sent me over this set of poultry plus milkmaids milkin’ goodness knows what... an’ swans swimmin’ in somethin’.

Churchy:
It’s a hard s’pose but I’ll do it.

Albert:
These goin’s on is took over a week.. Suddenly on the ninth day of Christmas you sends over nine ladies dancin’.. Next day it’s ten lord leapin’.

Churchy:
Boy!

Albert:
Ten leapin’ lords! What kind of doin’s is that! Nineteen people fracasin’ up the place besides all them milkmaids milkin’ hand over fist.

Churchy:
All account of love.

Albert:
An’ not only that! But you sends constant every day another dogbone partridge in a pear tree! What’s you doin’? Cleanin’ out yo’ attic?

Churchy:
I jes’ wants you to allus remember me.

Porky:
Halloo! It’s four a.m.! Wake up... time for Christmas joy. You’ll be glad to know that I mastered fudge-making this last July 12^th and I saved you a little for just such a occasion as this. Help yourself... Also in there is a flower from a bunch I was gonna give Miss Ma’m’selle on Flag Day... But thought better of it... She mought of got carried away.. It’s yours.

Well, that blows the wad... but Christmas only comes once a year... Some folks wouldn’t give you a simple good mornin’, but I like to maintain the traditions...

Pogo:
You allus remembers.