from
Comic Strips
by various artists and writers

Ralph:
What do I need to do to become a lemming?

Lemming:
You must recite the lemming oath. Here... I’ll show you.

Repeat after me...

Other lemmings:
Repeat after me...

Ralph:
And...?

Lemming:
That was it.

Quentin:
I’ve built a time machine!

Ollie:
What?! That won’t work!

Quentin:
Wanna bet? Read this.

Ollie:
09:37

Quentin:
See?

Ollie:
A clock! You’ve built a clock!

Ted:
It’s 2006! Why on earth don’t pickles come in plastic bags now?!

Sally:
Couldn’t open the pickle jar again?

Ted:
I gotta tell you, the 21^st century is not living up to the early buzz.

TV Weatherman:
The snow should start falling by 9 p.m. tonight... quickly turning into the equivalent of 1,000 nuclear bombs of frozen terror, followed by complete social anarchy and cannibalism by 6 a.m. ...

Ted:
I see the news is covering the blizzard with its usual subtlety.

TV Weatherman:
By noon tomorrow cockroaches will control most political offices...

Ted:
I think I may ask for a raise.

colleague:
I’m not so sure that’s a good idea right now, Ted... I mean, yeah, when the company’s on a roll, it’s only fair that those who pushed the hardest get a piece of the action... But when business is so poor that the company has devolved into rival tribes, each with their own warlord, roaming gang and set of deities, asking for a few dollars more may not be prudent...

You gotta feel the moment out. If your boss is lighting his cigars or underlings with $1,000 bills, go for it... But if senior management is setting their desks on fire for warmth, using toner cartridge ink as war paint and offering sacrifices to a three-hole puncher they now refer to as “the great and powerful Charlie,” maybe put off asking for a raise until next fiscal quarter.

Ted:
Snow’s finally melting.

Sally:
Guess it’s back to the office.

Ted:
Yeah...

How often does Google Earth update its images? Could we lie and say our roads haven’t been plowed yet?

Sally:
Eh, we already put on pants. Well, I did. Maybe you shouldn’t be standing at the bay window like that, Ted.

Perfesser:
They’ve discovered the gene that causes shyness.

Shoe:
Really? How’d they do that?

Perfesser:
They found it hiding behind some other genes.

Tonto:
Lone Ranger?! Lone?! Really?! What am I, chopped venison?! I mean, dude, seriously! I’m right here!

Sir Rodney:
The press says you’re spending more on the military than the poor.

King:
Hogwash! The poor spend twice as much on the military as I do!