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columns in the Star Tribune by James Lileks | ||
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Remotes are getting out of control,
Star Tribune column, June 6, 2004 |
Its a guy thing; electronic equipment occupies the same place in our brains as shoes do for women. Buying them is more fun than having them. Its embedded deeply in the genes, Im certain: Thousands of years ago in the caveman era, Og discovered that a certain kind of wood shed a brighter light, and this meant he could cast high-definition hand-shadows on the wall to illustrate the Tale of the Hunt. Og, you using that new Burn-Fast-Like-Gazelle maple, there? Absolutely, my friend. Check out something else Ive invented. See, this hand casts the shadows of the herd, and this hand is us on the hunt. Now watch when I suddenly stop moving my fingers. (Grunts of amazement.) Gentlemen, I have invented the concept of Pause. | Topic: |
items below checked (see note) when added | ||
Hottest dish in town
Star Tribune column, August 22, 2008 |
Lowing beasts, farm machinery, grass-roots political schmoozing, processed and congealed meats impaled on a dowel, folk art, high art, chain-saw art, mop hucksters, BBQ slopped in plastic baskets, gap-toothed carnies barking flat rote come-ons, squalling kids, squealing piglets, idiot chickens, mullet-rubes at the test-your-strength booth, first-date teens and It smells good, too. It has that new-fair smell. The animals havent yet saturated the south end with, well, their south ends; the grass hasnt been beaten flat by the herds of humans. The grease is fresh. | Compare to: |
Economy, pumpkins come down to Earth
Star Tribune column, October 12, 2008 |
Everyones looking for silver linings in the dark clouds as in, how we can get those clouds, rip them open and hoard the silver? Because if were going to go to a barter economy, Im low on the whole pigs-and-chickens part. Some people note that you dont actually lose money in the stock market until you sell, and thats true, but somehow it sounds like if you die while youre asleep, it doesnt really count. | Topic: |
Lots of lonely folks in the city looking down on the suburbs
Star Tribune column, January 9, 2009 |
Many in the burbs cant imagine why anyone would live in the city; some think you cant walk around the lake in broad daylight without a tax collector holding you up at gunpoint to collect the money to support failing schools. Ive found, however, that people in the city are more likely to look down on the burbs than vice versa. People in the burbs dont give the core cities much thought at all, which irritates city dwellers. Its like were still mad that the suburbs broke up with us and posted photos of their new love on Facebook. | Topic: |
You hate this weather? Go ahead! Just quit your whining
Star Tribune column, January 16, 2009 |
It is unbecoming to complain; were supposed to take this as the price for living in Gods country. And you dont hear Him complaining. Were allowed to admit to a few inconveniences. Its hard to drive when your eyeballs freeze solid, and you cant blink because your eyelids would get stuck like a tongue on a flagpole. If youre lucky, your cars heater can be set on Blast From the Gaping Maw of Hell and it thaws your orbs by the time you hit the highway. But I pass people whose teeth are chattering like These people need an advocacy group. [...] Someone who will stand up and say what millions of us believe: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. IM TIRED OF PRETENDING IT MAKES US BETTER PEOPLE. Because it doesnt. It just means we know how to layer. | Topic: |
You can say its brisk. Its bracing. Oh yah, its nippy. Oh gosh, its just bitter. [...] But for all those who truly, deeply, despise the skull-cracking temps of a Minnesota winter: youre not alone. Theres nothing wrong with you. Just keep it to yourself, because no one likes a whiner. | ||
Loudest, and slowest, Jackson tribute concert
Star Tribune column, June 28, 2009 |
Musical celebrities of all ages should be advised to come up with a signature tune that can be played on giant bells and be instantly recognizable. [...] In between tributes to the fallen, the bells could be put to other uses, you know. It would be an interesting sociological experiment to play shave and a hair cut at noon without providing the rest, and see how long it took for a torch-and-pitchfork mob to gather at City Hall, demanding they play Two Bits so everyone can get on with their life, already. | Topic: |
Is it Art? The courts say no, but who makes up these rules?
Star Tribune column, July 17, 2009 |
Because the bar was attempting to get around the law by resorting to devilish conceptual subterfuge, were told, it isnt Art. You cant shout THEATER in a crowd of fire. Note (Hals): end note | Topic: |
A soup can is just a soup can, but a silkscreen of a soup can is commentary. Please note: a photograph of a silkscreen of a soup can is copyright infringement, but a photo of someone taking a photo of a silkscreen of a soup can might be Art. | Topic: | |
Now, lets see what laws youve been breaking
Star Tribune column, August 2, 2009 |
Surely, there are archaic laws cluttering the statutes; you know, like it is illegal to hire an Irishman to repair a calliope. Automobiles shall signal their approach to an intersection with a hired troupe shooting Roman candles, or other such nonsense. Every new law should mean one has to be removed, so the balance of things the law doesnt cover remains equal. Right? I mean, there ought to be a ... Never mind. | Topic: |
If this is the burbs, that cant be a bear
Star Tribune column, September 27, 2009 |
When you see a raccoon in the city, youre always startled. The back-door light snaps on, you see a creature the size of a sailors duffle bag. You freeze. He freezes. Its embarrassing for you both, like walking into a co-worker when you open a bathroom stall door. The raccoons expression seems to say, Look, Im fat, OK? Otherwise, Id run. Lets just pretend this didnt happen. Where do they live? The sewers? Ive seen raccoons you couldnt poke down a manhole without a pound of Crisco. | |
True or false? School is tougher now
Star Tribune column, May 27, 2011 | Calculus is different. Calculus destroys self-esteem on contact. Everything in modern education seems devoted to telling kids theyre special and smart and can do anything, and then WHAM! CALCULUS. It should be taught in Latin just to complete the effect. | Topic: |
Cant they just be happy with that lobby?
Star Tribune column, October 12, 2012 |
Sure, we have a peerless cadre of world-renowned musicians who preserve and reanimate the most sophisticated, complex cultural tradition of Western civilization. But theyve forgotten what its like to have that burning fire that drove them into music in the first place. Theyre pampered. Theyre soft. Theres too many of them, too. Im sure youve been to the concerts: Theres huuuuge stretches where some of the players are just sitting there waithing for something to do. Dont tell me that horn section cant hustle over and pick up a fiddle during a languid adagio. | Topic: |
If not enough people want to pay for it, thats too bad, but we dont subsidize the buggywhip industry. Granted. Of course, if buggywhipping were a big national sport, we would be building an enormous facility for the express purpose of holding nine televised buggywhipping matches. But I get the point. The sports metaphor just makes you realize that the orchestra made a tactical error by not introducing full-contact symphonies into its repertoire, complete with referees and announcers. If the purpose of a concert was to have the violins wrest the baton from the conductors hand and get it past the bassists goal line, the Legislature would have funded an entirely new Orchestra Hall, and a third of the evening newscast would be devoted to the way the violas are shaping up this year on defense. | ||
YES and NO lawn signs are the yard sails of democracy
Star Tribune column, November 2, 2012 |
You dread the day they propose a Youth Employment Service, or YES, and the signs say VOTE NO ON YES. What if they have a Northland Opportunity measure, called NO, and the same lawn with VOTE NO ON YES has a sign that says VOTE YES ON NO? And heaven save us from the Minneapolis All-Year Business Enterprise, or MAYBE. What if there was an initiative to rescind the program? VOTE YES ON NO TO MAYBE. People would weep in the streets. | |
[...] theres a good reason you dont talk politics while raking the lawn. Unless you can do it nicely: Hows it going, delusional tool of the plutocrat class? Cant complain, willing serf of the socialist overclass. How bout those Vikes? Im impressed so far, although Im sure you see their high salaries as a refutation of systemic racism. Nah, I just enjoy that thing you hate you know, competition, merit-based outcomes. Hey, you want to come over for a beer when were done raking? Sure, ya Fascist. Great, Commie-symp. | ||
Have something to say? Maybe you shouldnt
Star Tribune column, March 1, 2021 | A piece of mail from a company that offers cremations. And I thought that first AARP letter was dismaying. | Topic: |
Alls fair in bidding for Worlds Fair site
Star Tribune column, June 27, 2022 |
Previously, when the subject arose, I argued against it. We have a State Fair, which is the greatest in the world. If you want a Worlds Fair, just rebrand the State Fair for a year. [...] But a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and I have come to look at the matter in a different light. Why? Because I dont want to write the same danged column again, easy as it would be. The trick, of course, is to present your reformed opinion with the same brash certainty as your previous opinion. | cf.
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The great Minnesota schism over potato salad
Star Tribune column, July 16, 2023 |
My burgers are the best in the land, thanks to a tip passed on by my friend, the Giant Swede: Fry up some applewood-smoked bacon, then add the drippings to the ground beef. The results are fantastic, but I feel as if I shouldnt put this in the paper without a link to a 15% off coupon at Stents R Us. | Topic: |
Its time to bring back elevator music
Star Tribune column, September 24, 2023 |
There was the usual boarding sequence: people who need assistance, military members, families with children, children who have served in the military, First Class, Platinum, Diamond, Tungsten, Uranium, Sky Priority, Troposphere Premium, Comfort Select, Discomfort Select (for the masochists), then Lady With Three Shopping Bags and a Pillow the Size of a Small Black Bear class she holds up departure for 10 minutes, standing in the aisle while she fills three overhead compartments and, finally, Peasant Classes one through six. Now imagine going through all this while accompanied by the worst pop song from the past year, some tuneless thumping thing sung by someone whose voice has been fed through filters until they sound like a robot with a head cold, played loud while everyone morosely files on. | Topics: |
Background graphic copyright © 2003 by Hal Keen