from stories about
Retief of the Corps Diplomatique Terrestrienne
by
Keith Laumer

“Remarkable enthusiasm these locals show for universal suffrage.”

“I think it’s time, however,” the Counselor put in ponderously, “that someone explained to them that the term ‘political machine’ does not necessarily refer to medium tank.”

“Ah—I can report a teensy bit of progress in my campaign to put across the idea of one man, one vote,” a slender-necked Political Officer spoke up. “They got the basic idea, all right . . .” He paused. “The only trouble was, they immediately deduced the corollary: One less man, one less vote.” He sighed. “Luckily, they were evenly matched, so no actual votes were lost.”

“You might point out the corollary to the corollary,” Retief suggested: “The lighter the vote, the smaller the Post Office.”

“It’s true they’re bigger stronger, faster, longer-lived, and cheaper to operate; and of course they have vast memory banks and can do lightning calculations and tricks of that sort—which, however, can hardly compare with our unique human ability to, ah, do what we do,” he finished in a subdued tone.

“What do you do?” Red-eye demanded.

“Why, we, ah, demonstrate moral superiority,” Magnan said brightly.

“Shilth was right about your sense of humor,” Retief said admiringly.

“Ah . . . you did say chased by giant worms?”

“Forty-footers. There seem to be a couple of other life forms as well, referred to by the landing party as, let me see, oh yes: slugs, and superslugs.^*”

^* Ref CDT Image Guideline No Y-897-b-34 (Par 2c) Epithets, Unflattering, Use of. The terms Deosseomolluscoid, Vermiformoid, and Megadeosseomolluscoid (abbr. DOM, VF, and MDOM, respectively) are preferred in all official contexts.