from comic strips by
Jerry Scott and partners

Wanda (reading):
Dan had five dollars and five friends. He gave one dollar each to two friends, and no dollars to three friends. What did Dan have left?

Hammie:
Two friends.

Wanda:
I think this problem is about money.

Hammie:
That’s what his three ex-friends probably said.

Hammie:
Hey, Dad, want to hear a joke?

Darryl:
Ummm, I don’t know. Does it involve bodily functions, naughty words, disgusting images or disrespect for others?

Hammie:
Is there a joke that doesn’t?

Darryl:
Good point. Let’s hear it.

Wanda:
They brought a forty-foot colon to your school??

Zoe:
Well, not a real colon. It’s more like a tunnel that you crawl through.

Wanda:
Did you do it?

Zoe:
Are you kidding?? If you had the choice between sitting through math class or crawling through a forty-foot colon, which would you choose?

Darryl:
Every math class I ever took made me feel like I was crawling through a forty-foot colon.

Zoe:
You told Mom she has wrinkles on her stretch marks?

Hammie:
It was a compliment! It gives her texture!

Wanda:
If anyone is looking for me, I’ll be in my closet trying on longer T-shirts.

Wanda:
You caught the mouse!

Darryl:
Yep. What should we do with him?

Wanda:
It’s a wild animal. I think there’s only one thing to do.

Darryl:
I agree.

Wanda:
Make him a cute little bed to keep him warm and safe until morning, right?

Darryl:
I was thinking more along the lines of tossing him over the fence into the Mancinos’ yard.

Darryl:
Why did you tell your teacher that I’m a CIA agent??

Hammie:
I thought you were!

Darryl:
Hammie, I’m an assistant deputy director of nonessential goods in the purchasing division! Does that sound like a CIA agent to you?

Hammie:
No... it sounds like a cover for a CIA agent!

Wanda:
Zoe, you can’t sleep in your new boots!

Zoe:
Why not? They’re comfortable, they keep my feet warm, and I love them more than anything in the world!

later:

Darryl:
And those were good enough reasons for you?

Wanda:
Well, they happen to be the reasons I sleep with you.

Zoe:
This has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

Hammie:
Why? Maybe I have a very intelligent reason for standing in a trash can! Did you ever think of that? Huh? Did you?

Zoe:
Okay, what’s the reason?

Hammie:
My swim fins are wedged in the bottom, and I can’t move my feet.

Who’s the dumb one now?

Hammie:
Mom said I should give one of these cookies to you.

Zoe:
Okay.

Hammie:
Do you want the one I licked or the one I sat on?

Zoe:
Ugh! Gross! Keep ’em!

Hammie:
[to himself, while eating the cookies]

It’s all in how you present things.

Zoe:
What’s that?

Hammie:
Just my latest life hack. Pretty soon, Santa is going to be reading my mind to find out if I’ve been naughty or nice, right?

Zoe:
Right...

Hammie:
Well, not if I’m wearing this! My tinfoil hat will scramble any brainwaves, and nobody will understand what I’m thinking!

Zoe:
You didn’t need the hat for that!

Zoe:
Why are you making tea for Mom?

Darryl:
Because spouses do things for each other without being asked.

Wanda:
Hurry up with my tea!

Zoe:
Yep. That definitely wasn’t asking.

Jeremy:
Dad, I need to upgrade my phone.

Walt:
Why? It’s barely three months old!

Jeremy:
Maybe in people years. In cell phone years, it’s, like, your age!

Jeremy:
Even though I don’t have all the things I want, I’m really grateful for the things I don’t have that I don’t want.

Hector:
That’s either the most profound, or the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.

Jeremy:
With philosophy sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

Jeremy:
Gaaaaaaa!! I’ve been waiting forever for this stupid web page to load.

Walt:
How long is “forever”?

Jeremy:
Around four seconds, I guess.

Walt:
Jeremy, let me explain something to you about patience...

Jeremy:
Okay.
Are you almost finished?
I’m bored.

Pierce:
Dude – help me out here. Can you read question 8?

Jeremy:
What is this?

Pierce:
The history test we’re taking in ten minutes. Moe took a picture of it last period with her cell phone camera and posted it on her myspace page, which I’ve been trying to make out on my teenie Blackberry screen for the past forty-five minutes.

Jeremy:
Good use of your study hour.

Pierce:
Why do people keep saying that to me?

Pierce:
I believe that paperclips are the larval stage of wire coat hangers.

whispered to Jeremy:

They grade you on class participation, not relevancy.

Jeremy:
You might want to check the syllabus on that.

Teacher, on telephone:
Security?

Connie:
Jeremy, why don’t you ever hang up your clothes?

Jeremy:
It’s a waste of time. And I don’t have a lot of time to waste.

Connie:
Because...?

Jeremy
Most of it is already busy being wasted.

Walt:
It works! I did it! I fixed our Internet!

That’s right! Walt Duncan has singlehandedly unraveled the Byzantine mysteries of electronic communication!

Connie:
So, what was the problem?

Walt:
A wire labeled “Do not unplug” was unplugged.