from the comic strip
Pearls Before Swine
by
Stephan Pastis

Rat:
It’s a self-help book. I call it, “Rat’s Guide to Being Happy.”

Pig:
What have you written so far?

Rat:
“To achieve happiness, spend $29.95 on this book.”

Pig:
How does that make other people happy?

Rat:
Who said anything about other people?

Pig:
What are you doing, Rat?

Rat:
I’m poring over physics books in an attempt to unify general relativity and quantum mechanics into one unified theory that governs our entire existence.

Pig:
What have you got so far?

Rat:
This.

Beer is good.

Pig:
I didn’t know it was that simple.

Rat:
I have developed a theory that explains the entire human condition. It’s called ‘Airplaneseatreclineology.’

Goat:
What is it?

Rat:
Two people, each in cramped conditions on a plane. Person ‘A’ can lessen his discomfort by reclining his seat... but there’s a catch.

Goat:
What’s that?

Rat:
His increased comfort can only come at the expense of person ‘B,’ who is further cramped by the reclined seat in front of him.

Goat:
So why would person ‘A’ do it?

Rat:
Because the airline says he can. And that’s ‘Airplaneseatreclineology’... People will do what they can, regardless of its effect on others. And that’s why the world is in the state it’s in.

Goat:
So why don’t you do something to try and change it?

Rat:
Because I’d slam my fellow passenger’s head in a retractable tray table if they let me.

Goat:
Wonderful.

Rat:
Hey... philosophers love wisdom, not mankind.

Pig:
My goal in life is to leave every place I visit a little better than when I arrived.

Rat:
I think you do that.

Pig:
You do??

Rat:
Yeah, every time you leave a room, I say to myself, ‘Hey, the room’s a little better.’

Pig:
Ohh, thank you!! Thank you!!

Rat (to Goat):
The best insults are the ones that look like compliments.

Rat:
My ethical conduct has begun to sink below even my standards. I think it’s time for me to change.

Goat:
I’m surprised to hear you say that, Rat. What are you going to do?

Rat:
Lower my ethical standards.

Goat:
Some people might change their conduct.

Rat:
Why take the hard road?

Rat:
I’m thinking about making it my spiritual journey to love others.

Goat:
Then why don’t you?

Rat:
Because I fear the morons will disappoint me.

Goat:
Maybe you should start your spiritual journey by not thinking of others as ‘morons.’

Rat:
I see the task is insurmountable.

Rat:
‘Being fat on the couch’ is not an Olympic event.

Pig:
You’ve killed a dream.

Goat:
I like this politician. He seems like a normal guy.

Rat:
There is no such thing as a normal guy. See Rat Maxim No. 9.

Goat:
Rat Maxim No. 9?

Rat:
“There are only two kinds of people: abnormal people, and people you don’t yet know well enough.”

Zebra:
What are you doing, Rat?

Rat:
Making the sign for my new therapy practice.

Zebra:
Are you a therapist or a ‘Mounds’ bar?

Rat:
Hey... We all make you feel good.

Pig:
Hey, Rat... I’d like you to meet my pal, Father Gus... He’s a real authority on religion.

Rat:
An authority, huh? Then let me ask you this... Is there really a just God who in the end rights every wrong and evens the scales of justice?

Father Gus:
Oh, definitely.

Rat:
Nuts.

Father Gus:
He’s disappointed?

Pig:
A little.

Rat:
A whole life’s plan... ruined.

Pig:
I heard you got a job writing the bulletin for a local church.

Rat:
Yeah. But apparently you can’t discuss the pastor’s sermons.

Pig:
Why not?

Rat:
Who knows? I did an article on last Sunday’s sermon and the guy went nuts. Here, look what I wrote.

BORING BORING BORING
Pastor’s Dull Sermons
Make Hell Seem Like
Appealing Alternative

Pig:
He must really be sensitive.

Rat:
Yeah. Now I’m glad I gave him ‘two big thumbs-down.’

Rat:
Hell is a small windowless room filled with nothing but the sound of polka music.

Pig:
I will repent right now!

Rat:
Remember... only Satan could have invented the accordion.

Goat:
Hey, Pig. Where were you this morning?

Pig:
Visiting my friend, Bob. He’s in the doghouse.

Goat:
What’d he do wrong?

Pig:
Nothing.

Goat:
Then why’s he in the doghouse?

Pig:
He’s a dog.

Goat:
Anthropomorphic animal strips are so confusing.

Rat:
Hey. Whatcha doing, Pig?

Pig:
Trying to write puns. Here’s one...
‘I tended a crowded bar.’

Rat:
Where’s the pun?

Pig:
The word ‘tended.’

Rat:
There’s no pun in that word.

Pig:
No pun in ‘tended’?

Rat:
I don’t know what it is, Doctor, but I’m much less happy than I was twenty years ago.

Therapist:
I see. Has your health changed?

Rat:
No, same.

Therapist:
Job stress?

Rat:
Same.

Therapist:
Living situation?

Rat:
Same.

Therapist:
Finances?

Rat:
Same.

Therapist:
Diet?

Rat:
Same.

Therapist:
Well, that is very mysterious.

Hey, wild guess here, but do you happen to have a communication device on you that has turned all seven billion people on earth into full-time critics, made us all feel inadequate and constantly exposed us to all of the world’s worst news?

Pig:
I did some mathematical calculations and figured out that today cannot be worse than yesterday.

Oh, wait, forgot to carry the two.



If you need me, I’ll be hiding in my room.

Goat:
You and me are so far apart politically, but what’s overlooked is that there are goals we have in common. For example, I think we all agree it doesn’t do any of us any good to be misinformed.

Rat:
I like being misinformed.

Goat:
We may be further apart than I thought.

Rat:
Boooooo, truth.

Goat:
How do you manage to always be so nice to others, Pig?

Pig:
Because I want to go to heaven when I die.

Goat:
And what do you think heaven is?

Pig:
Heaven is one big pantry filled with chocolate and cheese where you can eat all you want because you can’t die twice.

Rat:
I may start being good.

Rat:
How was that comedy show last night?

Pig:
Oh, my gosh. I literally almost died laughing.

Rat:
Oh, my goodness. So did you have to call the paramedics and get them to restart your heart?

Pig:
Huh? No. I just laughed really hard.

Rat:
So you meant figuratively!!

I’ll end that habit yet.

Pig:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my phone, it does not beep.
I can’t take more bad news today,
Please make the world go away.

Rat:
The ‘Phone is driving me nutters’ prayer.

Goat:
I’m writing it down.

Rat:
Have you ever seen those “How’s my driving?” bumper stickers on the back of trucks that invite you to call some number?

Pig:
Sure. Why?

Rat:
Because I’ve created my own helpful sticker to put over their sticker.

I’m working for a living just like you,
but sure, go ahead and narc on me
to my billionaire boss.

Pig:
I don’t see a phone number.

Rat:
Correct.

Friend:
Hey, Pig, whatcha writing?

Pig:
A paper for my biology class. I’m trying to figure out the life expectancy of a woman.

Friend:
That we will be paid less for equal work and often be spoken down to by men.

Pig:
I just meant an age.

Friend:
At every age.

Pastis:
Oh yeah, that was called, uh, darn ... Hang on ... I’ll think of it when I make myself stop thinking about it.

Rat:
You know you’re old when you have to sneak up on your own brain.

Rat writing:

How TO BE A PROFESSIONAL WRITER
IN TWO EASY STEPS
by RAT

STEP 1
Choose a selection of words from the 170,000 available to you in the English language.

STEP 2
Put them in the right order.

Goat:
I think there’s more to it than that.

Rat writing:

P.S.
Drink a lot.

Pig:
Oh, Great Wise Ass, I live my life with abundant caution and fear.

Wise Ass:
Why is that, my son?

Pig:
Because dying is the worst thing that can happen to you.

Wise Ass:
Not true.

Pig:
What’s worse?

Wise Ass:
Not living.

Pig:
I’ve wasted a lotta years.

Pig:
I just read this big book on the history of war. It’s so depressing. Why do people even go to war?

Goat:
Well, you have two sides that don’t see things the same way. Things escalate. And soon they’ll stop at nothing to destroy each other.

Rat:
Best description of Twitter I’ve ever heard.

Pig:
I hear you’re not invited to neighbor Bob’s party today. Does that give you a little F.O.M.O.?

Rat:
What’s that?

Pig:
Fear Of Missing Out.

Rat:
Oh. I just have T.I.N.G.

Pig:
What’s T.I.N.G.?

Rat:
Thrilled I’m Not Going.

Pig:
Don’t know that one.

Rat:
It’s the greatest feeling there is.

Rat:
Behold the government predictor bowl! Just shut your eyes and grab a prediction and you’ll know what your government will do next.

prediction:

Something you will not like.

Goat:
I’m guessing they all say that.

Rat:
They do.

Goat:
I’m fascinated by our government’s similarity to the Roman Republic near its decline.

Rat:
Well, good for you, Mr. Smart Guy. But the only reason you know so much is that you’re from a privileged group.

Goat:
What group is that?

Rat:
Guys who read.

Goat:
I invite you to join our select group.

Rat:
Sorry. Too busy watching Netflix.

Goat:
Isn’t it amazing to be alive at this moment of time when so many technological innovations are occurring and we know more than we ever knew before?

Rat:
Ninety-five percent of the universe is composed of dark matter and dark energy and we have no idea what it is.

Goat:
Let’s ignore that part.

Rat:
I’m hoping it’s pizza and beer.