from the comic strip
Pickles
by
Brian Crane

Sylvia:
Mom, the other day Dan asked me if you and Dan actually love each other.

Opal:
That’s a silly question. Of course we love each other. Why would he ask such a thing?

Sylvia:
It’s because you and Dad argue all the time, that’s why.

Opal:
Well, heck, if there aren’t any arguments in a marriage, it just means one of you isn’t necessary.

Earl:
Sometimes I think the situation in the world today is hopeless. And then I remember the words of a poem...

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul

And sings the tune without words and never stops at all.”

And then I think, what ever happened to that noisy old parakeet we used to have?

Earl:
What happened to your foot, Opal?

Opal:
I sprained my ankle.

Earl:
That’s unusual for you. You have such thick ankles you hardly ever sprain them.

Opal bounces a cushion off Earl’s head.

Earl:
You need to work on accepting compliments more gracefully!

Earl:
I’m trying to get the DVD player to open up so I can put in this DVD. I’ve pushed all the buttons, but nothing works!

Opal:
Pablo Picasso said, “I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.”

Earl:
Yeah, well I am always doing that which I cannot do, because I keep forgetting how I did it the last time.

Earl:
Life . . . is like a grapefruit. It’s yellow-orange and squishy, and it has a few seeds in it. . . and if you’re not careful, it will squirt you in the eye.

Hey, that’s pretty good! I should be sitting on a mountaintop dispensing wisdom.

Opal:
I second that motion.

Earl:
[...] Life is a lot easier if you can learn to laugh at yourself.

Nelson:
But I can’t think of anything I’ve done to laugh about.

Earl:
Well, son, that just means you’re not doing enough stupid things.

Earl:
How’s the painting coming, Opal?

Opal:
“An artist cannot talk about his art any more than a plant can discuss horticulture.” Jean Cocteau.

Earl:
You can’t tell what it’s supposed to be either, huh?

Opal:
Did you just say you don’t believe everything you know?

Earl:
Yes.

Opal:
Well, that’s ridiculous. You can’t know something and not believe it.

Earl:
I know, I know.

I don’t believe it, though.

Earl:
What are you doing up there, Nelson?

Nelson:
Trying to see your brain.

Earl:
My brain? What are you talking about?

Nelson:
Aunt Pearl said you’re so bald that a person can see what’s on your mind.

Earl:
Young folks think they know everything. What they don’t realize is that we old folks know more about being young than young people know about being old. Do you see what I mean?

Nelson:
If young people want to know about being old, we can just Google it.

Earl:
When I was a kid we were taught that atoms are the smallest things in the universe. I believed that for years. And then I found out there are things even smaller than atoms, things like neutrons and quarks.

... and those tiny little screws that hold your eyeglasses together!

Earl:
You know what really ticks me off? Old people who sit around and complain about things.

Clyde:
But you’re an old person, and you sit around and complain about things.

Earl:
I know. And that really ticks me off.

Earl:
My grandfather told me there are only two kinds of people in the world.

pause

Clyde:
Well, what are they, Earl?

Earl:
I don’t know. He didn’t say.

Clyde:
Probably people who finish their thoughts and those who don’t.

Opal (singing):
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amo...

Earl (interrupting):
Must you?

Opal:
Haven’t you ever heard the quote, “Don’t die with your music still inside you”?

Earl:
Sure, why not infect someone else with it before you go?

Earl:
Yes, Nelson, the most important part of being a grampa is giving words of advice to others. After all, what’s the use of having all this wisdom if I don’t share it with others?

Opal, don’t try to carry all that laundry at once. It’s better to make two trips.

carrying the laundry:
Sometimes it’s wiser to say nothing.

Opal:
Earl, the best way to look for a lost item is, One ... Look where it should be ...

Two ... Look in places where you’ve lost it before ...

Three ... Retrace all your recent steps, you may have dropped it somewhere ...

Four ... Go buy a new one, and the lost one will show up immediately.

Earl:
I think I might have destinesia.

Nelson:
What’s that?

Earl:
That’s when you get where you wanted to be, but you can’t remember why.