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Dilbert
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Scott Adams

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Dilbert
by Scott Adams

Copyright © 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 Scott Adams, Inc.

2005March 18

Asok:
The conference call was a huge success. Three out of 15 people were available and only one of them forgot to call in.

Pointy-haired Manager:
So it was a phone call between two people?

Asok:
It would have been if they hadn’t used the mute buttons.

Topic:

Technology

July 17

Dilbert:
This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever.

Manager:
So?

Dilbert:
All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong.

Manager:
Leaders do not plan for failure.

Dilbert:
Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don’t work out?

Manager:
No. A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism.

Topic:

Optimism

August 29

Dogbert:
I decided to start a discount religion. The tithing would only be 5% and I’d let people sin as much as they wanted.

The only problem is that I don’t want to spend time with anyone who would join that sort of religion.

Topic:

Religion

October 27

Manager:
Management is pleased to announce that it has a plan to make your pension fund solvent.

In unrelated news, the guidelines for workplace safety have been relaxed.

Topic:

Economics

2006March 24

Dogberto:
My idea is to drape a huge tarp over the hideous scupture in the courtyard. My message will be that art is as much about the negative space as the positive.

Plus it’s not really art unless someone is winning.

Topic:

Art

December 23

Wally:
I heard the guy you voted for just confessed to having an affair with a squirrel.

Dilbert:
Shut up. The guy you voted for is being sued for choking his secretary.

Wally:
In some countries they don’t get a choice of who to vote for.

Dilbert:
I feel sorry for them.

Topic:

Democracy

2007May 7

Dilbert:
Can I ignore E-mail from people who don’t include my original message in their reply?

Dogbert:
Yes, and you can hate them, too.

Dilbert:
90% of happiness is picking the right ethicist.

Topics:

90%

Ethics

June 11

Wally:
This week I mapped and gapped the requirements to consolidate everything into a program of work to maximize synergy capture and optimize our resource utilization.

If any of that sounded like work, I’ll do some more of it next week.

Topic:

Fakin’ it

November 26

Manager:
We’re going to try something called agile programming. That means no more planning and no more documentation. Just start writing code and complaining.

Wally:
I’m glad it has a name.

Manager:
That was your training.

Topic:

Computer programming

2009November 5

Catbert:
“Wrong” is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses.

2010November 25

Asok:
I requested an Ethernet switch and you sent me a box of pencils.

Bob the dinosaur [Director of Purchasing]:
Sometimes I tweak the non-standard orders so I can use our approved vendors.

Asok:
You can’t tell the difference between a switch and a pencil?

Bob:
I can tell the difference between your problems and mine.

Topic:

Bureaucracy

2011November 27

Dilbert:
I’ve read about this. It’s called smartphone interface rage. It’s caused by the perfect storm of bad interface design, chubby fingers, and poor signal strength. He’ll get so frustrated that he’ll consider smashing his phone. Then he’ll realize he can’t survive without his phone and he’ll be twice as frustrated. We have to do something.

Wally:
Run as fast as you can into the wall! It will take your mind off of your phone!

Sometimes the best you can hope for is that the lesser of two evils is the funny one.

Topics:

Humor

Evil

2012June 6

Dilbert:
Your second paragraph is pointless and confusing. Let’s just delete it.

Tina:
I’m a highly trained technical writer. What makes you think you can do my job better?

Dilbert:
That might be a trick question, but I’m pretty sure the answer is paragraph two.

June 9

Dilbert:
You’re intentionally making my life more difficult?

Catbert:
What do you think management is?

2021January 11

Dilbert:
I have an idea for a keyboard design that we upgrade every six months by rearranging where the keys are.

Manager:
Why would we do that?

Dilbert:
To make it better.

Manager:
That would only make it harder to use.

Dilbert:
Exactly like our software upgrades. What’s your point?

text checked (see note) when added

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